One Thing I’ve Learned @ Reflektive
I was talking to a coworker of mine at Reflektive before my last day, and she asked me what were the things that I’ve learned at Reflektive in the last 2.5 years. I thought it was a great question, and I want to share one profound lesson I’ve learned: the power of having empathy.
Prior to joining Reflektive, I’ve always wondered if being nice and being successful were mutually exclusive things. One question that I didn’t have a solid answer to was when push comes to shove, which choice would I make? However, I realize that this is a false dichotomy. It’s not about being nice but rather having empathy is what we’re really looking for. And once I’ve started approaching situations with empathy, it really then enabled me to achieve my goals and lead me to a happier, healthier life.
The distinction between being nice and having empathy is very nuanced. Being nice means that you don’t want to rock the boat with other people, which usually manifests in not confronting people when you don’t see eye-to-eye with them about how to make decisions, what behaviors are acceptable to you and what they can do more of to help you or the team more. Without those kinds of tough conversations, conflict will never be resolved, which then leads to a toxic environment. Having empathy, on other hand, is really trying to understand where the other person is coming from and trying to resolve conflict in a way that’s emotionally healthy for both sides. In some ways, avoiding confrontation could be considered a selfish act because it robs the other person of a better outcome.
I realized that, despite all our differences, everyone that I’ve ever worked with all want to achieve the same things: enjoy team/company success, be proud of the work that we do, master our craft and work with others that bring joy and energy into our lives. It’s this realization that has enabled me to approach conflict and confrontation differently than before. Whenever I’m in a situation where I disagree with someone (or vice versa), instead of getting defensive and coming off angry or blaming, I would instead be curious and apply actively listening to better understand the root cause of our disagreement and then working with the other person to identify whether there’s something I could have done more (i.e. maybe I misunderstood his intent or I didn’t communicate effectively enough), a misunderstanding on their part or whether there are certain circumstances that’s distorting our perspectives. Finally, I would then respectfully try and bridge the gap between us and steer the conversation so that we can reach an agreement that’s to the betterment of team/company.
In retrospect, I realized that having empathy really helped me in situations where I wanted to be proactive and have a greater impact within the company. By listening to others and being mindful of everyone’s intentions and circumstances — while constantly clarifying my own intentions — it was easier to bring people together to understand what large opportunities are out there and how we can achieve greater success. One story I’m incredibly proud of was the role I played in steering our company’s 2019 strategy. Near the end of 2018 was a really tense time for Reflektive because there was a lot of miscommunication between Sales, Product and Engineering about our overall strategy, and while there were a lot of people involved who helped steer the company to a strategy that is much more realistic and better aligned with our company mission, I truly believe that because I approached every tense conversation with empathy that I was able effectively work with fellow EM/PMs (with different personalities and beliefs) to identify the key initiatives and work estimates for what success would like had we continue our original strategy (the tl;dr is that it was way too much resources with few winning conditions). It’s through these tense experiences that reinforces my conviction that you absolutely don’t need to be an asshole to achieve success.
None of this would be possible if I wasn’t internally secure about my place in the world. It took many years of deeply reflecting and learning to appreciate every single life experience, particularly my failures. I have utmost confidence in my own skills and abilities, but I also recognize that I’m a human being who has his own flaws, that I’ll probably make my fair share of mistakes and that every situation is an opportunity to learn and grow.
